The Funeral by Richard Matheson

by sandraseamans

This is a wonderfully done tongue-in-cheek story about a vampire who wants a funeral because he “never had a proper going off”.  Matheson has great fun taking jabs at both funeral directors and funerals.  His description of funeral director, Morton Silkline, is priceless.

“Blinking meditation from his liver-colored eyes, Silkline knit his fingers to a placid clasp, then settled back against the sable leather of his chair, a smile of funeral welcome on his lips.”

The funeral itself is a hysterical mess that ends with Silkline passing out on the floor.

“Just before the bulbous-eyed Morton Silkline toppled forward, the waxen-faced man leaned over, smiling toothfully, squeezed the Director’s numbed and murmured, ‘Tasty.’  Then Silkline was at one with the rug.”

I’ve read stories about people arranging their own funerals but Matheson’s genius has taken the story to a whole new level.

From the “I Am Legend” collection.